IRON SHARPENS IRON
Feedback was a new concept that was introduced to me on the race. When we were first told about feedback, I thought it was telling people what they’re good at and what they’re bad at. But that’s only one layer of it. We are encouraged by our leaders to consistently give our teammates feedback, and my teams have made it a daily practice.
Before the race even started, I convinced myself that I would never give feedback to other people, I would never “criticize” someone. Now, feedback is one of my favorite things that the World Race has taught me. The way I give and receive feedback has changed and developed over the course of the race and has become something I’m super passionate about.
I know that feedback isn’t easy and sometimes a little confusing. I’ve learned from experience that the way you see it has a huge influence on how well feedback goes. For any other racers who don’t like feedback, don’t understand feedback, or love feedback and just want to learn more: here are 5 things I learned that feedback is, and 5 things feedback is not.
FEEDBACK IS…
1. A gift. When you give someone feedback, you are telling that person two things. One, they are seen. Two, you are invested in their growth and seeing them continue to look more and more like Jesus. Jesus allows you to see His child, and you get to help them see that too. If it doesn’t feel like you’re giving someone a gift, check yo self.
2. From love. Check your heart. Giving feedback should always come from a place of loving your teammate. If you are angry or frustrated or annoyed with your teammate, feedback is not the time or place to air out your complaints. Feedback comes from a place of loving your teammate and wishing success and growth and achievement for them. Your teammate should leave feedback feeling lifted, not beat up.
3. Dynamic. There’s no “formula” for feedback. It doesn’t have to be “Okay, give one positive and one negative piece of feedback. Done.” Allow feedback to be an opportunity for you to speak life, and give Holy Spirit the space and flexibility to do that in any shape, number or time.
4. Uplifting. Feedback is about raising up your teammates to be more like Jesus, to be better versions of themselves, not a better version of yourself. Take the time to see each other, love each other. Your desire should be to see them excel and reach new heights, not to hold out a magnifying glass to their flaws. Ask yourself what your goal is in giving them this piece of feedback.
5. Spirit-lead. Giving and receiving feedback comes hand in hand with prayer. Holy Spirit may tell you not to say something you want to say. He also may tell you to share something that you haven’t even observed. Don’t depend on your own understanding or expectations, lean into God.
EXAMPLE
An example of incredible feedback that I received – You have a gift of perspective and giving great feedback, but don’t hide behind the structure of feedback to tell people what you see in them. You have a gift of seeing people, and you can use that to connect with them and ask questions and follow-up. Don’t avoid connection or interaction by only bringing up your insights in feedback time.
I felt seen, loved, and challenged. Amazing.
FEEDBACK IS NOT…
1. A place to air out complaints. Feedback is not a venting session, and it’s not a place for conflict resolution. If there are 14 things you want to tell Susie to stop doing, I think you need to check your heart and maybe figure out what’s going on in y’all’s relationship.
2. A debate. A rule we all agree on from the very start of the race is you respond to feedback by saying one thing and one thing only, “Thank you.” No matter how hard someone tries, any response to feedback comes across as defensive. When you reply in rebuttal to someone’s feedback it takes away from it being a safe place to be honest and share. It’s never a bad idea to ask Jesus what He thinks before letting your pride respond.
3. A criticism. This is something that you start to see the more you give feedback. I’ve learned that feedback (yes, even constructive feedback) isn’t nitpicking or criticizing or basically telling someone to do something the way you would do it. It’s pointing them to the gospel, to Jesus, to a better version of themselves. Maybe it’s challenging them to grow further in a gift they already have.
4. Perfect. I can look back and think of a few pieces of feedback given on my teams (including things I have said) that maybe weren’t worded so kindly or could’ve been given one-on-one…but we’ve all survived. We all still love each other. And we’ve grown in humility from it. There is grace.
5. Dependent on other’s response. This is a biggie. A huge fear of mine that keeps me from giving others feedback is how they will react. “What if they think I’m being mean?”, “What if they think I’m wrong?”, “What if they get defensive?” I’ve learned that if God chooses to show me something in someone else, it is my responsibility to speak to them in love and grace. But it is not my responsibility to control how they receive it. That’s between God and them.
Here are some questions I like to ask myself before I give feedback:
- What is my goal in sharing this piece of feedback? Does it have anything to do with my hurt pride?
- Have I prayed and yielded to where Holy Spirit is leading me?
- Is there bitterness in my heart towards this person? Do I need to take the log out of my eye first (Matt 7:3-5)?
- Am I actively loving this person through the words I have chosen? Does it feel like I’m giving them a gift from the Lord?
- Have I taken time to really see this person? Am I making any assumptions?
Feedback is tough, and there are still times that I don’t like it. It still stings to receive feedback when someone points out something in me that I try so hard to hide. But I’ve seen trust cultivated, humility grown, and love shown through it. Even when we do it horribly wrong, God still blesses the heck out of it.
P.S. The “beep boop” comes from a little hand signal our squad mentor taught us when we first started feedback. You hold up a fist and say “beep” as if you’re holding up a mirror to someone. Then, you point up and say “boop” as if you’re pointing them higher. Beep boop haha
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Wow, Emily. I loved this blog. So much wisdom and truth and honesty. But I think my favorite part is this: “We’ve all survived. We all still love each other. And we’ve grown in humility from it. There is grace.” Oh, my heart—what could be better than that?
Never have I ever seen this articulated more clearly in a blog. This is amazing. Keep on Beep’n and Boop’n my friend.
Hey. I love you. This is amazing. You perfectly encapsulate something that is so incredibly hard to describe. You have led every single one of our teams in cultivating healthy and loving feedback and I know that you will reap even more fruit from this act of vulnerability, submission, and trust when you go home.
I first learned of the WR feedback sessions during parent’s week and it was even demo’d a bit for us, but this descriptive detail is terrific. I like the thought of receiving feedback as a gift.
Never thought of it that way. I can see where such sessions could be hard, but how rewarding they can also be in the end. Thanks for sharing and growing through them.
Wow, Em. Doing feedback well requires so much grace, wisdom and confidence…attributes you carry more and more. I remember our very first one-on-one convo. You have grown so much this year in so many ways, and the way you speak into others is the proof.
Great breakdown of feedback! Maybe you should come to TC and teach on it sometime 😉