Satan’s Wall

This month we are staying in a small town (pop. 600) called Dobromirka. When you separate dobro mir ka, it means good peace of mind. So you can understand my confusion when my mind was not at peace. Physically, this place is great. The grass is green and there are beautiful trees and the ministry we are working with is doing big things for Jesus…but spiritually, I feel darkness.

Specifically, there is this darkness in my head. Normally my brain runs at a million miles a minute…I live in my thoughts and get carried away with arguments and theological debates and conversations. But as soon as we got here it was like a fog clouded my mind. I couldn’t even tell you how I was feeling. Was I happy? Was I sad? I sure couldn’t tell you.

The biggest problem I had with this fogginess was that I normally hear God speak to me through my thoughts – some people see images, some people feel emotions, but I hear thoughts. So the fogginess was blocking me from God, and I was not okay with that.

One day, I was outside praying and getting a little frustrated with God. So I prayed God, I want to connect with you…why don’t you just let me? Am I doing something wrong? And nothing. I didn’t hear God say anything to me…but as I calmed down I got this picture in my head (probably from the Holy Spirit) and it was a picture of me kneeling down before a big, cold brick wall. I was picturing myself on my knees praying and lifting my hands and worshipping towards this wall, and God was on the other side…I couldn’t see Him or hear Him or feel Him…but I just knew that He was there. And Satan was looking at me like I was crazy, in pure disbelief that even a wall wouldn’t stop me from praising God.

I believe God was telling me two things. 

First. He is here. He hears me. He sees me. I also got this affirmation when we were doing team feedback (a time when my team comes together to encourage and guide each other towards growth). My teammate Caroline said she had prayed and felt God give her some words for me. One of the words was perseverance. She said that God sees me running after Him and he wants me to persevere. It was exactly the encouragement and affirmation I needed to hear.

Second. I came to the realization that God deserves the praise anyways. I don’t worship feelings or blessings…I worship God. Even if I spent the rest of my life and never felt God’s presence or heard His voice, He would still deserve my praise – my every breath. That’s just who He is. He is worthy.

Then I felt God lead me to Psalm 31. David wrote this psalm and he says something so remarkable, “I had said in my alarm, ‘I am cut off from your sight.’” In David’s panic, he mistakenly believed that he was cut off from the presence of God. If you have become a Christian, then the Holy Spirit is within you forever. Period. David is acknowledging that even when his feelings failed him, God did not.

In the same psalm, David says, “Into your hand I commit my spirit.” I love this verse because David is committing his feelings and doubts and heart to God. I am still learning what it looks like to praise God when it feels like He isn’t there, but I am committing my spirit to Him. It has been a huge stretching of my faith. Each month I learn more and more that faith is the confidence in things we do not see (Hebrews 11:1). Faith requires uncertainty…or it would just be called “knowing.”

The video below is one of my favorite spoken word pieces and gives me chills every time I listen to it. It is called, “Praise Him.” Give it a listen.

Love y’all,

Em

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